The Hidden Curriculum No One Ever Taught My Child

No one ever handed my child a rulebook.

They just expected them to know.

Know when to speak and when to stay quiet

Know how to ask if they are confused

Know when not to interrupt or distract others

Know how to jump into group work without stepping on invisible lines

Knowing what those invisible lines even are

Know what "put some effort into it" actually means

Meanwhile, I’m sitting in a school meeting hearing, "He struggles socially and to stay on task," and thinking,

Struggle with what? The thing no one ever explained?

The Things Everyone Assumes Kids "Pick Up"

Here’s what school quietly expects:

• You’re supposed to know when the teacher is really asking for questions and when it’s rhetorical.

• You’re supposed to understand that "start your assignment" doesn’t mean stare at the page wondering what the first step even is.

• You’re supposed to realize that group work has roles - leader, recorder, time-keeper - even when nobody names them.

My child wasn’t missing social skills.

They were missing instructions. They were missing clarity!

When Confusion Gets Labeled as Behaviour

At home, I’d watch my child avoid any type of homework.

Not refusing. Not distracted. Complete avoidance.

And in my head I’m thinking, If there is something that I don’t know what’s expected, how am I supposed to succeed?

But at school, it shows up as not participating, not following through, not trying.

It’s amazing how fast misunderstanding turns into a discipline or behaviour problem.

The Hidden Curriculum Is Mostly Executive Functioning

This isn’t even about manners.

It’s about invisible brain work:

• Figuring out what the teacher really wants.

• Knowing how to break a task down when no one shows you how.

• Understanding when to wait, when to interrupt, when to switch gears.

My child didn’t fail the assignment.

They failed the instructions that were never told.

What I Started Teaching at Home

I say teaching very loosely here as there are still many struggles and some days my patience is thin, but there has been a marked improvement in homework since I looked at this from a EF lens.

Not academics. Translation.

I put myself in his shoes - what does that mean. It is so vague. You have to be more specific.

Imagine someone asked you to "go make dinner", or maybe "go make a lamb tagine". If you had cooked before, were ok in a kitchen but didn't really know what a tagine was, or even if you knew where to buy lamb etc. You could search for an easy online recipe, look at the ingredient list and figure out what you needed. You would follow the instructions step by step to make that meal.

For my son - go do your homework, is like making a tagine without a recipe. He can actually do homework, but has absolutely no idea how or where to start. So, I stopped saying "Do your homework."

I started saying things like:

• "First, find page 185 in this book."

• "Now, take this worksheet and read the first sentence."

• "Now stop, and take a break for a minute"

• "Let's talk about what the answer to that sentence may be"

• "Lets take your pencil and write out what you just said"

I approached it like a group project:

• "I can take the first part."

• "Do you want me to write or research?"

• "What’s our next step?"

It felt ridiculous at first. And boy it's a lot of extra work at first.

But watching my child finally participate without panic told me everything I needed to know.

When It Works, It Works Because Someone Made the Invisible Visible

Not every story I have is a hard one.

There was a teacher, who quietly changed everything.

She didn’t say my son needed to "try harder."

She didn’t talk about motivation, or behaviour problems.

She wrote the steps on the board or on his worksheet.

She broke assignments into parts and actually named them.

She gave sentence starters for group work.

She already had 'stations' set out for taking breaks.

She normalised movement in the class.

She checked in before things fell apart, not after.

And suddenly my kid wasn’t "struggling socially." They were participating.

I remember thinking,

That teacher didn’t fix my child. She fixed the missing instructions. And it reminded me of something I carry into every school conversation now.

The hidden curriculum doesn’t disappear on its own. But when someone is willing to make it visible, everything shifts.